Kurt cleans up!
by foesjoe
Summary: The ultimate prologue for Ranma crossover stories! Feel free to use this for your own stories!


**Kurt cleans up! **

A Ranma ½ fanfiction

Disclaimer:

I know I am sugar

you're getting hot.

I see you but I'm looking

right past you!

Oh I know you'd like to be

all alone with me.

But I only feel sorry

I'M JUST TOO AWESOME FOR YOU!

* * *

It was a great day of joyous celebration and general gaiety at the Tendo home. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and, thanks to global warming, the flowers were blooming.

It was Christmas, and Kasumi had once again organised a Christmas party for her family and all of their friends.

Only this time, everybody actually got along great! The fiancées weren't fighting over Ranma, the rivals weren't trying to kill Ranma, the parents weren't trying to get Ranma to marry one of his fiancées, and Ranma wasn't insulting anybody!

Santa Claus had stopped by earlier and congratulated her on a job well done, leaving behind a set of self-cleaning cooking utensils. He had also left behind a skin tight leather catsuit and a Cat o' nine tails, but the oldest of the Tendo daughters hadn't told anybody about that. Her fetishes were her own business, thank you very much!

Kasumi took in all the happy people and smiled prettily, glad she had bought that book about projecting your emotions onto others. And to think that the critics said all that stuff about psychics was nothing but superstitious non-sense! They obviously had no idea what they were talking about.

Her aura of happiness was so thick, she was walking a few inches above the ground!

Suddenly, the sky turned black and a tiny tear appeared in the air. It splintered, new rips in the fabric of reality spreading at an alarming rate, until there was a wide gaping chasm of nothingness a few metres above the ground.

A man hovered through the hole in the sky. He was clad in bronze battle armour that was polished until it shined even without there being any light for it to reflect. An unruly mob of black hair grew on his head, giving him that popular 'fresh out of bed' look. He wore an eye-patch over his right eye, and a big ugly scar ran vertically from his jaw to his hairline through his right eye. A huge shiny war hammer was strapped to his waist, made from the finest metal and adorned with intricate runes. He also had a long and very manly beard.

"HELLO! I AM KURT!" The man's voice boomed over the Tendo backyard. "BUT YOU MAY CALL ME GOD!"

Kasumi approached the newcomer with a smile on her face, projecting calm and happiness with all her might. "Why, hello there, Mister God! Do you want to join our party? We still have some cake."

"NO!" The man replied, pointing a finger at the gentle home maker. Black lightning shot forth from his finger and struck Kasumi in the chest, killing her instantly. "I CAME HERE TO KILL YOU ALL!"

"You, you MONSTER!" Akane screamed, tears streaking down her cheeks. "How could you do that?"

"IT IS SIMPLE! I AM THE REPRESENTATION OF THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY AND I AM OF THE OPINION THAT YOU ALL SUCK AND DESERVE PAINFUL DEATHS!"

'God' started pointing his finger at all the party-goers, hitting them with his lightning one after the other.

"YOU ARE A PATHETIC DISGUSTING PIG!" ZAP! went Ryoga.

"YOU ARE UNCUTE AND ABUSIVE!" ZAP! went Akane.

"YOU WANT TO TURN RANMA INTO A SLAVE TO SERVE AS BREEDING STOCK!" ZAP! went Cologne and Shampoo.

"YOU ARE RECKLESS AND OBNOXIOUSLY OBSESSIVE! ALSO, WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU? PUSSY!" ZAP! went Mousse.

"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO DIE!" ZAP! went Happosai.

"YOU ARE ANNOYING AND USELESS! ALSO, RANMA DOESN'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT!" ZAP! went Ukyo

"YOU ARE DELUSIONAL NUISANCES!" ZAP! went the Kunos.

"YOU ARE A MANIPULATIVE, GREEDY BITCH! OH, AND HILD TOLD ME YOU SHOULD GO LOOK HER UP, SHE HAS A JOB FOR YOU!" ZAP! went Nabiki.

"YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR DAUGHTERS! ALSO, YOU ARE A BULLY!" ZAP! went Mister Tendo.

"YOU HAVE TORTURED RANMA, ENGAGED HIM TO EVERY GIRL YOU MET ON YOUR JOURNEY, AND CURSED HIM TO TURN INTO A GIRL! ALL IN THE NAME OF TRAINING, WHEN YOU WERE REALLY ONLY BEING A LAZY BASTARD!" ZAP! went Genma.

"AND YOU!" Kurt boomed, pointing at Ranma's mother. "YOU ARE THE WORST OF THE WHOLE BUNCH! YOU GAVE RANMA TO GENMA!" ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! went Nodoka.

Ranma looked around the backyard of the Tendo home, seeing the charred corpses of all his friends and family, and knew fear for the first time in his life. "Wha- what about me?"

Kurt smiled benignly at the pigtailed martial artist. "YOU ARE AWESOME!"

"I am?" Ranma asked, blinking. "I mean, Of course I am!"

"AND THAT IS WHY," Kurt went on, ignoring Ranma, "I HAVE DECIDED TO THROW YOU INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE OF EQUAL AWESOMNESS!"

"Wait, what?!" Ranma demanded. "I don't want to go to another universe! I liked my universe and my life just fine!"

"THERE YOU WILL MEET OTHER AWESOME PEOPLE AND HAVE CRAZY ADVENTURES THAT WILL MAKE YOU EVEN MORE AWESOME!" Kurt continued, still not paying any attention to Ranma. "BUT FIRST I WILL GRANT YOU A WISH!" The omnipotent being stopped his monologue and looked at Ranma expectantly. "WHAT SHALL IT BE?"

"A wish?" Ranma repeated, fists clenching in anger. "I'll tell you my wish! I want you to revive all my friends and get the hell out of here!"

"DENIED!"

"Hey, no fair! You can't do that!"

"I CAN AND I DID! I AM THE REPRESENTATION OF THE AUTHOR, AS SUCH I AM OMNIPOTENT!"

Ranma deflated. "Guess I don't have a choice then." He blew out an annoyed breath. "Okay, fine, I want you to cure my curse."

"GRANTED!"

Kurt waved his hand, and Ranma disappeared in a bright flash of light. "HAVE FUN, RANMA!"

* * *

Tired of thinking up new and original ways to cut off Ranma from the rest of the gang? Too lazy to come up with a good reason for Ranma to leave his life behind?

This is the solution for you!

Feel free to use this for any crossover story you want to write, though it would be nice if you could mention where you got it from.


End file.
